PARIS—The Chinese track and field team that recently dominated the high jump at the 2024 Paris Olympics weren’t all smiles—there were some grimaces.

At least three women jumpers in the team of Sum, Ha, Ve, and Dong are biological men and found the uniforms to be uncomfortable.

“If the International Olympic Committee doesn’t account for some women that compete in women’s sports having lady balls and approve uniforms that fit us, then we are going to be forced to protest and not participate,” Dong said through a translator, clutching a strategically placed ice pack.

Thomas Bach, President of the International Olympic Committee, was quick to apologize to the manly women. “We offer our deepest apologies to these women for offending their personhood and humanity and will do anything we can to pretend that their demands aren’t the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever heard,” Bach said, struggling to keep a straight face.

The transwomen’s demands for custom uniforms that accommodate their unique anatomy have sparked a debate within the Olympic community. “We need to ensure all athletes feel comfortable and supported, regardless of their biological differences,” Bach added, sidestepping the question of how to explain this to actual women who have to compete against them.

Despite there being absolutely no difference between men and women, officials are still eagerly awaiting the influx of biological women into men’s sports. So far, there have been zero takers.

“We’re all about equality,” said one official, stifling a laugh. “Any day now, we expect to see women dominating the men’s 100-meter dash. Any day now.”

As the debate rages on, sports equipment manufacturers are reportedly working overtime to develop new, more inclusive athletic wear. “We’re looking into everything from reinforced support cups to custom compression shorts,” said one designer. “It’s a brave new world out there.”

In the meantime, the Chinese team has vowed to continue their quest for Olympic excellence, even if it means a few more uncomfortable landings.

Despite there being absolutely no difference between men and women, officials are still awaiting the influx of biological women into men’s sports.

_{Originally published September 5, 2019.}

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