Trump nixes carbon offsets; demands Californians buy Stupidity Offset Credits instead

WASHINGTON—The Trump administration filed suit October 23rd to shut down California’s emissions-trading market, which is supposed to limit air pollution through a program of Carbon Offset Credits using a system absolutely no one understands.

Trump believes the program is unconstitutional, and suggests that spending money on Stupidity Offset Credits would be a better investment.

“California is focused on offsetting the wrong thing,” Trump noted at a White House press conference. “Taxpayers aren’t suffering from excess carbon. They are suffering from excess stupidity.

“Between the rolling blackouts and the homeless situation, the whole state needs an injection of intelligence. But until that wonderful day comes, the best they can do is offset some of the really stupid decisions their politicians have made, and intentionally confusing carbon with air pollution is one of those.”  

A relatively recent phenomenon, the creation of a market in Stupidity Offset Credits allows anyone to make themselves feel better by contributing minimal amounts of cash to a murky, confusing system of offsets managed by completely unknown entities. To date, no jurisdiction has mandated the purchase of Stupidity Offset Credits in the same way that Carbon Offset Credits have been, but Trump indicates he is willing to consider this idea.

“We’ve only scratched the surface of the potential for ephemeral purchase options which can be used to spin opposition, media and individuals who are too busy to actually research what an ‘offset credit’ is and what, if anything, it offsets,” explains Stupidity Offset Credit expert Rita Smith.

“For example, during the recent Canadian election when it was discovered that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s ‘green’ campaign maintained a second plane to carry his luggage, Trudeau only had to explain himself by noting ‘We bought carbon offset credits.’ The media never mentioned it again!” Smith marvels.

“That is one powerful idea, and a perfect key message! So we thought, ‘Why stop at offsetting carbon, when what humanity REALLY needs is a way to offset stupidity? You can’t fix stupid – but now, you can offset it.

“For example, how are investment managers ever going to justify advising their clients to invest in Uber, a company which publicly admits it may never make a profit? They can’t explain it. The best they can hope to do is offset it.”

Republican Mitt Romney having a Twitter alter ego named “Pierre Delecto” is such a special kind of stupid, it may require an offset category of its own, Smith notes.