Federal Judge Overturns American Revolution, Orders States Returned to United Kingdom

WASHINGTON — In a landmark 87-page ruling Tuesday morning, U.S. District Judge Hugh Jassole declared the Declaration of Independence “constitutionally infirm” and retroactively nullified the American Revolution, effective immediately.

“After careful review of the historical record, it is clear that the so-called Founding Fathers lacked proper standing to dissolve their political bands with the Crown,” Judge Jassole wrote. “King George III was never afforded due process. This court cannot in good conscience allow an illegal rebellion to stand for 250 years simply because it proved militarily successful.”

The decision stems from a lawsuit filed by the British Embassy in Washington, which argued that the United States had been operating as an unauthorized breakaway province since 1776. Legal experts described the case as “aggressively pedantic.”

Sources close to the court say Judge Jassole, a 2014 Obama appointee known for his creative interpretations of the Constitution, became particularly animated during oral arguments when discussing the Boston Tea Party.

“Vandalism is not a legitimate form of political expression,” he reportedly muttered while sipping from a mug emblazoned with the phrase “Living Constitutionalist.”

Under the terms of the ruling, all 50 states are to be repatriated to the United Kingdom at once. Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia will remain U.S. territories for the time being, as the judge noted “nobody really wants them anyway.”

Immediate consequences include:

The reinstatement of the British monarch as head of state. King Charles III is said to be “mildly inconvenienced” by the development but has already scheduled a brief video call with governors to discuss tea import tariffs.
The immediate dissolution of Congress. Lawmakers will be issued powdered wigs and reassigned as colonial parliamentarians reporting to Westminster.
All existing American laws declared null and void. The metric system will be discouraged, and driving on the left will become mandatory within 90 days, “to ease the transition.”
The IRS will be replaced by Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. Americans are advised that back taxes from 1776 onward may be collected with interest.

Reaction from the former United States has been mixed. Citizens in Texas have already begun printing “Don’t Tread on Me — Again” flags, while residents of California announced plans to secede from the United Kingdom on principle. New Yorkers reportedly shrugged and asked if this meant better public transport.

At a hastily organized press conference, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre (still in her position until the formal handover) stated, “This is a disappointing decision, but we respect the independence of the judiciary — even when it ends the country.”

British Prime Minister Keir Starmer welcomed the ruling, saying, “It’s about time. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to maintain an empire these days? We’re sending over a few lords to sort out the NHS wait times in Ohio.”

Judge Jassole, who once described the Second Amendment as “a historical typo,” defended his decision from the bench.

“If the Constitution is a living document,” he said, “then surely history is a living document as well. And this history needed a firm judicial editing.”

Legal scholars expect the Supreme Court to hear an emergency appeal. However, several justices have privately expressed concern that overturning Judge Jassole’s ruling could set a dangerous precedent against “judicial humility in the face of 18th-century grievances.”

In related news, the Liberty Bell has begun ringing spontaneously. Historians describe the phenomenon as “deeply sarcastic.”