Trump selects Jeb Bush for Secretary of the Department of Low Energy
Palm Beach, FL – In a stunning announcement that left political observers both baffled and entertained, Donald Trump revealed his pick for Secretary of the newly-created Department of Low Energy: his former rival and frequent target of ridicule, Jeb Bush.
“Jeb understands low energy better than anyone,” Trump said during a rally at Mar-a-Lago. “Nobody knows low energy like Jeb, folks. He’s the king of it. Believe me.”
Jeb Bush, who famously endured Trump branding him as “Low Energy Jeb” during the 2016 Republican primaries, appeared at the announcement looking visibly conflicted but still managed to summon a half-hearted smile.
“Please clap,” Jeb said to the sparse applause as he stepped up to the podium.
A New Department for the Modern Era
The Department of Low Energy was conceived by Trump as part of his plan to “streamline government inefficiency” and “make it even slower than Sleepy Joe’s admin.” According to Trump, the department will focus on reducing the nation’s overexertion, promoting more naps, and ensuring that Americans “stop working so hard all the time.”
“Jeb is perfect for this,” Trump continued. “He’s been conserving energy for decades, folks. Look at him. He’s like a walking Tesla battery, only without the spark.”
Jeb Responds
Jeb, who hadn’t been in the national spotlight since 2016, admitted he was surprised by the call. “I didn’t think he even remembered I existed,” Bush said. “But I’m ready to serve. I’ll bring my signature calm and deliberate pace to this important role.”
When asked how he planned to lead the department, Jeb outlined his vision:
- Encouraging Americans to avoid unnecessary physical activity, like jogging or making eye contact.
- Instituting mandatory 2-hour lunch breaks with optional naps.
- Replacing the national anthem with a soothing playlist of whale sounds.
Mixed Reactions
The announcement drew sharp reactions from across the political spectrum. Trump supporters hailed the move as “vintage Trump trolling,” while critics saw it as another example of his unconventional approach to governance.
“I think this is a great move,” said Trump voter and energy drink enthusiast Carl Drowse. “Jeb’s low energy will really balance out all the caffeine I drink every day.”
Others weren’t so sure. “If you wanted someone with low energy, why not just nominate a sloth or one of those people who still use flip phones?” asked political commentator Sunny Riles.
Trump’s Parting Words
As the announcement wrapped up, Trump couldn’t resist one final jab. “Jeb, you’ve got a big job ahead of you. But remember, if you mess this up, we’ve always got Ben Carson in the bullpen. He’s so low energy, he’s practically in a coma.”
The crowd erupted into laughter, and as Jeb shuffled offstage, Trump leaned into the mic with a grin. “See, folks? I told you. Low energy. The best. Let’s give him a round of applause—he’s gonna need it!”
Whether this appointment marks a bold new era in American governance or just another chapter in the Trump-Bush saga, one thing is certain: Jeb’s ability to stay awake through the confirmation hearings will be his first real test.
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