WASHINGTON, DC—In a hopeful interview today on CBS, Dr. Anthony Fauci said that Americans will be able to stop wearing masks everywhere in the year 3082.

“The science is very clear on this,” Fauci said. “Even with the COVID vaccine, it’s still isn’t safe enough to return to normal. There are other viruses and diseases out there as well – the flu, pneumonia, cholera, rabies, polio, measles, Ebola, malaria, chickenpox, smallpox, shingles, yellow fever, the bubonic plague and the common cold. Until we totally eradicate all of these diseases, we’re going to have to mask up for the next 1,000 years.”

Fauci also suggested other steps we can take to resume life as normal again sooner than later, among them:

• Social distancing at least 10,000 feet
• Wearing 500 masks at once, and making sure there’s 6 feet in between each mask
• Wearing a hazmat suit while taking a shower in your own home
• Licking every doorknob in America to gain herd immunity from the virus
• Turning off your television

When asked later which science he was following, Fauci replied that he’s following the science of “whichever media outlet gives me the highest ratings.”

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Rafi Metz

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