WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden revealed today that he only drinks lactaid milk because he’s “lack toast and tolerant.”

“I’m lack toast and tolerant which is why I only drink lactaid milk,” he told reporters. “That means that if you have the condition I have, you can’t have lack toast and you have to be tolerant. Very tolerant, actually. If I try even a little bit of lack toast, and I’m even slightly intolerant, I get a severe allergic reaction. For some people, it could even be fatal.”

At publishing time, Biden also revealed that he’s a misogynist and loves giving massages whenever he gets the chance.

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Rafi Metz

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