In a stunning turn of events that has left the Catholic Church reeling and Twitter ablaze, pop superstar Katy Perry has declared herself the new Pope, citing an intense 11-minute session of reading a Bible verse as her divine qualification. The announcement, made via a glittery Instagram Live stream, has sparked global confusion, theological debates, and a surge in sales of her 2013 hit, Roar.

“I was just vibing with my morning smoothie, flipping through the Bible app, you know, as one does,” Perry explained to her 200 million followers, dressed in a bedazzled mitre she claimed was “thrifted from Etsy.” “I read John 3:16 for, like, 11 minutes straight, and I felt this cosmic energy. The Holy Spirit DM’d me and was like, ‘Girl, you’re Pope now.’ So, here I am. Pope Katy I, reporting for duty!”

The Vatican was quick to respond, with Cardinal Giovanni Rossi issuing a statement that read, in part, “While we appreciate Ms. Perry’s enthusiasm for scripture, the papacy is not a DIY project. Also, 11 minutes is barely enough time to microwave a Hot Pocket, let alone ascend to the Throne of St. Peter.” Undeterred, Perry countered by posting a TikTok of herself blessing a plate of avocado toast, captioned, “Ex cathedra vibes only. #PopeKaty.”

Theological scholars are divided on the matter. Dr. Agnes Mueller of the Pontifical Gregorian University called Perry’s claim “a theological fever dream,” noting that papal succession requires a conclave, not a solo scripture sesh. Meanwhile, Dr. Chad Bromley, a self-proclaimed “TikTok theologian,” argued, “If God can speak through a burning bush, why not through a pop star who once shot whipped cream from her bra? Let’s not limit the divine aesthetic.”

Perry’s fans, known as “KatyCats,” have already begun designing papal merchandise, including bedazzled rosaries and “Dark Horse” hymnals. A Change.org petition to recognize her papacy has garnered 1.2 million signatures, though most comments appear to be variations of “SLAY, POPE KATY!” Conversely, traditionalist Catholics have taken to X, where the hashtag #NotMyPope is trending alongside memes of Perry’s 2018 Met Gala angel wings with captions like, “When you’re ready for the Vatican but not the theology.”

In a bold move, Perry has outlined her papal agenda, which includes replacing incense with cotton candy-scented diffusers, mandating glitter as a liturgical color, and canonizing her pet nugget, a teacup pig, as “St. Nugget of Calabasas.” She also proposed a new encyclical, Urbi et Orbi et Party, which she described as “a bop about unity, love, and sequins.”

The College of Cardinals has scheduled an emergency meeting to address what they’re calling “the Perry Papacy Problem.” Sources close to the Vatican say Pope Francis, now Pope Emeritus, was seen chuckling at the news, muttering, “I’ve dealt with schisms, but this? This is a new one.”

As the world awaits clarity, Perry remains unfazed, teasing a new single titled Hallelujah Firework and promising to lead her first mass at Coachella 2026. “I’m here to spread love, light, and a killer playlist,” she declared. “Also, indulgences are now called ‘VIP passes to heaven.’ Get yours on my merch site!”

Whether this is divine intervention or just another day in 2025, one thing is certain: Pope Katy I is roaring, and the world is listening.

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