BREAKING: Nancy Pelosi breaks her own mask rule, kills 74 people
WASHINGTON, DC—Nancy Pelosi broke her own mask rule for a photo op at the Capitol, killing 74 people. https://twitter.com/TheFirstonTV/status/1421111997672853504 When...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
BREAKING: Biden mandates frontal lobotomies for all federal employees, citing science
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden called on state and local governments to use COVID-19 relief funds to give $100 to residents who have a...
CNN: Biden draws mostly supportive crowd in Pennsylvania
(CNN) The most popular president in the history of the world, Joe Biden, drew a mostly supportive crowd in Allentown,...
Some female Olympians complain about ball-crushing uniforms after dominating performance
TOKYO—The Chinese Olympic track and field team has dominated all competition leading to the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games but they...
CDC opens ‘Faucitown’ where residents can drink vaccines mixed in Kool-Aid every day
FAUCITOWN, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have opened a village called Faucitown just outside of Atlanta where...
It’s racist to include vaccinated people in COVID death data right now
COVID is not done. Not even close. As CNN and MSNBC have made very clear, we're having a pandemic of...
Lightfoot urges all Chicagoans to get vaccinated to keep everyone safe while shooting each other this weekend
CHICAGO—Mayor Lori Lightfoot made a public announcement, urging Chicagoans to get the COVID vaccine to keep everyone safe while they...
BREAKING: Kansas City Chiefs QB Mahomes demands team change name to KC White CEOs
KANSAS CITY, MO—Chiefs Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has left training camp and says he will "not play another down in the...
BREAKING: Dozens shocked that Democrat lawmakers won’t be held accountable
US—Dozens of people around the globe were shocked today to learn that multiple Democratic lawmakers won't be held accountable for...
FBI: ‘Our top priority is keeping citizens safe from violent plots devised by us’
WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI has assured citizens that their "top priority is keeping citizens safe from violent plots devised by the...
