Sneaky home fire alarm waits until everyone’s asleep to start beeping for no reason at 3:06 am
SUBURBIA, USA — In a move that can only be described as insidious, a home fire alarm began emitting a...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Kamala Harris closes Pennsylvania rally by sacrificing six babies to Moloch
PHILADELPHIA — In a dramatic finale to her rally in the swing state of Pennsylvania, Vice President Kamala Harris shocked...
BREAKING: Lizzo threatens to eat anyone who doesn’t vote for Kamala Harris
In an unexpected political move, Grammy-winning artist Lizzo announced that she will personally consume anyone who does not cast their...
BREAKING: Mark Cuban denies that he’s Rosie O’Donnell and Rachel Maddow’s lesbian love child
Dallas, TX — Billionaire entrepreneur and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban, has publicly denied persistent rumors that he...
BREAKING: Kamala Harris fires her speechwriter Jar Jar Binks
Washington, D.C. — In a surprising shake-up within the Harris-Walz 2024 campaign, Vice President Kamala Harris has officially parted ways...
Harris Promises That Any Americans Who Die In WWIII Won’t Have To Repay Their Student Loans
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following President* Biden's plan, Vice President* Kamala Harris has assured the public that any U.S. citizens who...
HISTORIC: Jimmy Carter Becomes First Deceased President to Vote for Kamala Harris in 2024
PLAINS, GA — In a stunning and unprecedented act of civic participation, former President Jimmy Carter has become the first...
Netflix releases new documentary: Christopher Columbus: the First African American
LOS ANGELES — In a bold reimagining of history, Netflix announced the release of its latest documentary, Christopher Columbus: The...
Elizabeth Warren takes 1/1024th of the day off to celebrate Indigenous People’s Day
Most people are aware that Sen. Elizabeth Warren, front runner for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president, is a true...
Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you're a Nazi bigot, so that's why most woke cultures and municipalities...
