WASHINGTON, DC—Now that Congress has officially certified the stolen election and Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States, Biden confirmed reports today that he ordered a pen and phone, in keeping with the precedent set by Obama, so he can bypass Congress once he’s in the Oval Office.

“Even though the Senate is divided and Kamala can break the tie, I suspect some moderate Democrats may vote with the Republicans,” Biden said. “So to play things safe, I ordered a pen and phone so I can completely bypass the Continental Congress like my old buddy Obama did. It’s probably not legal, but who cares about the Articles of Confederation anyway?”

When President Trump saw the report, he immediately contacted Amazon and changed Biden’s order from a pen and phone to a copy of the Constitution and Bill of Rights.

“Nothing says ‘democracy’ like a single guy writing laws despite the will of the people,” Biden said.

In his first 100 days, Biden intends to unilaterally mobilize Trunalimunumaprzure. Ready or not.

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Rafi Metz

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