WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move, President* Biden promised to make people who never went to college and everyone who has paid off their student debt in a responsible manner to pay for everyone who hasn’t.

“All these people who never went to college have these great-paying jobs and it’s not fair to people who spent $100,000 plus on three Gender Studies degrees,” Biden said at a press conference announcing the plan. “Therefore, I am going to make all the people who didn’t go to college pay for the people who did go to college. That’s the American way!”

Biden announced this plan alongside progressive lawmakers, including Reps. Pramila Jayapal (D-Wash.), Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.), all of whom have a lot of student debt themselves.

“This is a great way to buy support with other people’s money ostensibly for the common good of more education. It’s just great to see people with quality, market-driven degrees who have worked hard to pay them off paying more for people who have no hope of paying their Gender Studies Master degree off with their Starbucks job,” political analyst Jim Acosted said.

Many graduates with absolutely useless degrees are ecstatic. “I didn’t realize I had to actually pay for the loans in the first place,” Mindy Lowque said.

Everyone who owes a student loan would be eligible, regardless of their income or the dumb ass degree that they went hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to get.

The process is fairly straightforward: the outstanding student loans on the books would be transferred to people who have no student loans.

“Yeah it’s a burden for the people who will be taking on others’ educational mistakes, but hey, that’s socialism!” Acosted added.

_{Originally published April 28, 2022.}

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