WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has designated the current American flag and all its predecessors as a hate symbol after seeing footage of the flag being flown by white supremacist insurrectionists at the January 6th Capitol riot.

Biden has instructed his Attorney General Merrick Garland to arrest anyone who displays the flag publicly, including the entire US Olympic team.

“The number one deadliest problem in this country is white supremacy and my administration is going to do everything it can to stamp it out,” Biden said at a press conference announcing the decision.

“If you display this flag, that means you love this country, and there’s nothing that says ‘I’m a big fat racist’ like loving this country,” Biden said.

The anti-American-flag campaign coincides with Vice President* Kamala Harris’s plan to alter the American flag by getting rid of its racist white stripes, then changing its racist white stars to yellow.

“There’s really nothing more un-American than the American flag,” Harris said.

New York Times Editor Mara Gay said that the new classification doesn’t go far enough. “I was on Long Island over the weekend and I saw a blue pillow with white stars and I started literally shaking at this racist hate symbol. I think everything with red, white or blue coloring and everything with stars and stripes needs to incinerated,” Gay said.

“Silence is complicity. And we cannot be complicit. We have to speak out. We have to act. That’s what I’ve done. And I can’t thank me enough,” Biden said. “I’m proud today. I’ve earned my oatmeal.”

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