WASHINGTON, DC—For those still maintaining any doubts about his cognitive and mental state, the following should clear things up: in a speech today, President Joe Biden promised to end Alzheimer’s by the year 2008. Yes, you heard correctly – Biden promised to end the horrible disease 13 years ago.

“I believe we have the ability to finally eradicate Alzheimer’s and any other diseases of the nose,” Biden said. “I’ve been working to end this disease since 1895, around the same time I became a senator. If we commit all the resources of the federal government toward that goal, I promise we’ll end Alzheimer’s by 2008.”

The media immediately went into defense mode to ‘clarify’ Biden’s remarks. “Of course Biden never meant 2008 literally,” MSNBC’s Kyle Griffin tweeted. “What Biden meant to promise is that he’ll end Alzheimer’s in the 21st century, and eight is Biden’s favorite number, so he conveniently chose a year he feels comfortable with.”

The Washington Post also published a full-throttled defense of Biden’s remarks, noting in an article on its website that, “Biden actually meant 2008+13 which equals 2021. His style of speech is very deep and esoteric, and only a select few can understand the true meaning behind Biden’s words.”

Later, Biden also promised to end the bubonic plague by 1353.

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Rafi Metz

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