BREAKING: California fights arson by banning semiautomatic matches

Following a horrific wave of wildfires in the state including a devastating one in Santa Clarita caused by arsonists, California has taken the common sense approach and banned all semi-automatic matches—also known as lighters.

“We tried to ban wildfires,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said, “but that didn’t work. So, we are taking the next logical, common-sense approach and banning all semi-automatic matches.”

Supporters say that the same policy should be applied to guns as well.

“We’re not trying to take away your matches, we just want common sense match control,” Newsom said.

Failed presidential candidate Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, however chimed in with a different take. “Hell yes we’re going to take your lighters! No one needs semiautomatic matches! Matches are just fine.”

NY Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disagreed, saying that matches create greenhouse gases so those should be banned too.