BREAKING: California mandates conversion therapy for white people

SACRAMENTO—Governor Gavin Newsom has announced a new mandated program of conversion therapy for people stricken with whiteness.

“Californians have woken and spoken and now it will be required for people of lighter orientation to undergo conversion therapy to become darker complected,” Newsom said in a press conference announcing the mandate.

The program involves ice-pick lobotomies; chemical castration with hormonal treatment; aversive treatments, such as “the application of electric shock to the hands and/or face”; and “nausea-inducing drugs … administered simultaneously with the presentation of kale and pumpkin spice lattes.”

“Some cities and states have denounced whiteness, but California, as it often does, will lead the way in totally eliminating it from the face of the earth,” Newsom, who is white, said.

Some have advocated for techniques such as counseling, visualization, social skills training, psychoanalytic therapy, and spiritual interventions such as “prayer and group support and pressure” but the California legislature thought those techniques were, “not serious enough to deal with the problem we’re facing.”

The new mandate stops short at outlawing whiteness, but allows for prison terms for people who do not undergo the necessary therapy.