BREAKING: Hunter Biden tests positive for every disease except COVID

US—During this global health crisis, austere businessman Hunter Biden has tested positive for every disease except for COVID, which is still plaguing the world.

With seemingly every celebrity and politician announcing a positive COVID diagnosis, it’s refreshing to hear of one famous person without the disease.

“Hunter does not have coronavirus,” White HousePress Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. “And he is not planning on making a cringy video of him stuck at home singing a John Lennon cover badly or soaking in a bathtub.”

“Hunter is not afraid of catching the coronavirus. Coronavirus is afraid of catching Hunter!” she added.

Hunter, the son of President* Joe Biden, has been seen on video doing every illicit drug during sexual encounters with several prostitutes while collecting his diseases.

Hunter is feeling well despite the diagnoses and is isolating in the West Wing of the White House.

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