WASHINGTON, DC—A parade of individuals, who swear on their mother’s honor they’ve committed no crimes, are now clamoring for presidential pardons. Yes, you heard it right, they want pardons for crimes they vehemently insist they haven’t committed.

In a scene straight out of an absurdist comedy, Cora Upshin, the spokeswoman for the “Innocent But Accused” coalition, made a heartfelt plea to President* Biden. With a straight face that could only be achieved by someone deeply practiced in political doublespeak, she declared, “Just because we committed treason doesn’t mean we are guilty of treason. We’re asking President Biden to give us a pardon for the crimes we didn’t commit.”

The irony is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Here we have a group, allegedly steeped in acts of high treason – think espionage, overthrowing the government, and perhaps a bit of casual sedition for brunch – now standing before the public, hands extended, asking for clemency.

The reasoning? Well, it’s as clear as mud. According to Upshin, the act of committing a crime and the guilt of that crime are two separate entities in the bizarre legal landscape they’ve created. “We’ve done the deed, but we’re not guilty in our hearts. Isn’t that what counts?” she questioned, while the rest of the nation tried to process this new dimension of legal philosophy.

Legal experts are scratching their heads. “This is unprecedented,” said one, trying not to laugh, “It’s like asking for forgiveness for a sin you swear you didn’t commit while standing in the confessional with the evidence in your hands.”

The public’s reaction? A mixture of disbelief, amusement, and a dash of concern for the state of democracy. Social media is ablaze with memes of people asking for pardons for not stealing candy they didn’t eat, for not robbing banks they never entered, and for not committing crimes they might commit in the future.

President Biden, known for his measured responses, has yet to comment on this peculiar petition. However, sources close to the White House suggest that the administration is considering a new category of pardon – the “Pre-emptive Innocence Pardon” – specifically for those who might have done something but definitely didn’t mean it.

Meanwhile, the nation watches on, fascinated by this new form of political theater where guilt is optional, actions are debatable, and pardons are the new currency of innocence. In D.C., where reality often outstrips satire, one can’t help but wonder: What’s next? Pardons for future generations for the sins their ancestors might not have committed?

In the end, this bizarre scenario might just lead to one conclusion – in politics, anything can happen, even the pardoning of the innocent for crimes they never committed. Or did they? Only in Washington, D.C., will we ever know for sure.

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