BREAKING: Mayor Pete comes out as a straight black man just in time for South Carolina primary

The Iowa Caucus results are in. Mayor Pete won, maybe, but Genesius Times wanted to know his next move and so we asked. What we found was surprising, and to be honest, off-putting. After extensive genetic testing, Pete Buttigieg is 61% Sub-Saharan African, and 39% Unknown.

He then revealed the struggles he’s had keeping his background from the press. “Sure, I was in the closet saying how incredibly gay I was, but then I had to come out of another closet all the way on the other side of the house and reveal I was straight. That was really hard. Then to disclose I was born a black man? I didn’t even know I was black until my parents told me on my 16th birthday. And the 39% Unknown? What’s that all about?”

GT has uncovered heretofore unrecorded medical records that tell the story of his struggles. The pain of a full skin transplant, IV bleaching agents, facial surgery at the famous Newman Clinic, genital reduction surgery, and reports so gruesome our reporters developed voluntary blindness.

Young Peter eventually grew to a height of 6’8″ by age 12, eventually becoming Point Guard for his middle school team in Mississippi. After winning every award imaginable he felt overwhelming guilt for his Black Privilege and thus started on a series of hormone blockers, shortening agents, Prevagen made from Jellyfish, and Viagra enemas. “I think the Viagra enemas really started me on my way to Democrat Party politics. Everything just seemed to fit.”

After several transitions from black male to Asian female to Papal eunuch, he settled on his present form as a Glib Global Straight Gay UberWhite Elitist. With tears streaming down his artificial cheek implants he explained, “My parents still living in a cardboard box in Burkina Faso mean everything to me. My black pride as a gay white male, my white guilt as a black man, my gay pride and aversion to closets I owe all to my parents. That is why after this overwhelming win in Iowa I am sending them all my empty Amazon Prime boxes for their new home as well as a $10 Home Depot gift card for renovations.”