BREAKING: Pentagon hires Sam Bankman-Fried after proving he can lose money as fast as anyone

US—The Department of Defense has hired embattled cryptocurrency Ponzi schemer Sam Bankman-Fried after he lost $16 billion overnight.

“We saw the headline and though, wow, losing $16 billion in one day? That’s a DOD-esque number!” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said in an exclusive interview with Genesius Times.

The Department of Defense recently reported that they couldn’t account for $2.6 trillion and look to bolster that number with new hire Bankman-Fried.

“We are no longer a primarily military organization. We are primarily a money laundering operation,” Austin said. “Sam is going to fit right in.”

FTX, a money laundering operation crypto exchange, ran into problems this month, as people rushed to pull money from the platform amid doubts about its finances.

“You see, that type of financial chicanery is frowned upon in the private sector but it’s lauded here in the public sector,” Austin added.

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