SAN FRANCISCO—US Representative Eric Swalwell has admitted to sleeping with a Chinese spy during his ascent to the House but is blaming the affair on Russian hackers.

“Russian hackers made me sleep with the spunky Chinese spy named Christine Fang (original name Fang Fang) to help Trump win the 2016 election,” Swalwell said in a statement.

Swalwell, who made noise during the President Trump impeachment hearings, said that the affair was bad because it helped Trump get elected and that the only reason it was coming up now was to help Trump steal the 2020 election.

“This whole thing was a Russian hacker misinformation, including the part about my small penis,” Swalwell said. “What, that didn’t come out? Nevermind.”

“We need to get to the bottom of this Russian interference in our elections and in my bedroom!” Swalwell added.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts