BREAKING: Soleimani was killed by copy of massive 2,313-page omnibus spending bill, not drone strike

The attack on Traveling Poet and Iranian General Solemani was not a traditional “missile attack” according to a new dossier leaked to Genesius Times. After the successful passing of the omnibus spending bill, a paper copy was delivered by US Senator and Presidential Candidate Joe Biden to the Quds force commander in a routine democrat giving info to an enemy of the USA operation. As the bill was being airdropped from a helicopter to Soleimani via parachute, the harness failed to secure the item, resulting in the $1.4 trillion spending package slamming into the vehicle that Soleimani and Friends were riding in before their vacation flight to a Cardi B concert.

Human error may have been a factor as it turns out the operation was carried out by Burisma Executive, Chinese Businessman, and air supply expert Hunter Biden. Traces of cocaine, stripper glitter, and estrogen from an Impossible Burger were found on the omnibus bill and the Soleimani vehicle. Another factor may have been faulty equipment. The parachute was actually made from New York Department of Corrections anti-suicide blankets and supplied by a subcontractor EpsteinDidntKillHimself Wyle Coyote Industries. Impeachment whistleblower Eric Ciamarra claimed he heard from his cousin’s sister’s brother that Baby Yoda may have been at the Baghdad Airport waiting for his flight to a Settlers of Catan Tournament and that Soleimani was in the way. US Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has demanded Isaac Newton be arrested for inventing the gravity that killed Soleimani.

Regardless of how it happened, Congressman Adam Schiff is already drafting articles of impeachment against Donald Trump for this tragedy. A federal judge will be needed to add language “droning Iranians” and “Bad things due to Orange Man” to the articles of impeachment in the US Constitution.  US Senator Ted Cruz is also being censured for carelessly leaving the deadly omnibus spending bill on his desk in a video while talking about the bills spending on abortion, CDC gun confiscation research, and the Import Export Bank. The impeachment news coverage allowed the Omnibus spending bill to be passed in congress with hardly any debate.