WASHINGTON, DC—The United States Secret Service has completed a thorough internal investigation and astonishingly found itself to be completely blameless in all matters. The investigation, prompted by recent security lapses and public outcry, was spearheaded by the agency’s own Internal Affairs Division, which apparently has a perfect record of self-exoneration.

The announcement came in a press conference held at Secret Service headquarters, where agents looked remarkably relaxed and self-assured. “After an exhaustive review of our actions and protocols, we have determined that we acted with the utmost professionalism and integrity,” said Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle, who also chaired the investigation. “Our agents have done nothing wrong, and any suggestion otherwise is simply unfounded.”

The investigation was reportedly sparked by several high-profile security breaches, including the infamous incident where an unauthorized individual managed to jump the White House fence and wander the grounds for several minutes. More recently, questions were raised about the agency’s preparedness following an assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump at a rally in Butler, PA.

However, the internal review, which involved meticulous self-interrogation and rigorous self-questioning, concluded that the Secret Service’s protocols were flawless. “We looked into every nook and cranny of our operations,” Cheatle continued, “and what we found was a level of competence and excellence that is truly unparalleled.”

Critics, unsurprisingly, were less convinced. “This is a textbook case of the fox guarding the henhouse,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, who looks surprisingly like the alleged assassin. “We need an independent investigation to ensure accountability.”

In response, Cheatle assured the public of the agency’s commitment to transparency. “We interviewed dozens of our own agents, and each one provided consistent, corroborative evidence of their own innocence. This level of internal consistency is rare and commendable.”

When asked about the specific details of the security breaches, Cheatle had ready explanations. “The individual who breached the White House fence was actually performing an unannounced stress test of our perimeter defenses. As for the Butler rally incident, our agents executed a preemptive security maneuver that unfortunately resulted in the termination of the threat.”

The Secret Service also revealed plans for future improvements based on their findings. “While our investigation shows we did nothing wrong, we are always looking to improve,” Cheatle stated. “To that end, we will be installing even taller fences, more rigorous self-training modules, and an advanced self-assessment program to maintain our impeccable record.”

The press conference concluded with a round of self-applause and self-congratulations. “We are confident that this investigation will put to rest any doubts about our capabilities,” Cheatle said with a smile. “The Secret Service is, and always will be, its own best watchdog.”

Public reaction to the announcement has been mixed. Some citizens expressed relief that their security agency is apparently infallible, while others remain skeptical about the validity of an internal investigation.

As the debate continues, one thing is clear: the Secret Service’s ability to investigate and absolve itself is unparalleled, setting a new standard for self-policing government agencies everywhere. Whether this self-exoneration will boost public confidence remains to be seen, but for now, the Secret Service stands proudly innocent in its own eyes.

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