Protestant quarterback doesn’t throw the ball because his faith alone is enough to win
In a stunning display of doctrinal consistency that left analysts scratching their helmets, Protestant quarterback Caleb Sola of the Reformation...
Sports
Carney orders all Canadian flags to fly at half-mast after hockey team loses to US in Olympic final
Ottawa – In a somber address from Rideau Hall this afternoon, Prime Minister Mark Carney directed that all Canadian flags...
US Women’s Team Takes Olympic Gold in Virtue Signaling
MILAN—In a display of unparalleled moral fortitude and respiratory caution, the United States Women's National Team secured the gold medal...
Bad Bunny to sacrifice 2 goats in ‘epic’ Super Baal Halftime show
In a groundbreaking move set to redefine both entertainment and animal husbandry, Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny has confirmed plans...
SEC Fan: Indiana beating Miami in the National Championship proves the SEC is the best conference
ATLANTA — In a stunning display of conference supremacy logic that has left analysts across the nation reaching for their...
Gen Z Olympics: Dutch Unknown Casually Scrolls Past Germany to Win Inaugural 200 m Doomscroll Gold
PARIS (GT) – In a result that has left German sports psychologists quietly scheduling emergency sessions, an unheralded 23-year-old from...
Highlights from the 2025 Housework Olympics
In a surprising blend of satire and spectacle, the 2025 Housework Olympics kicked off at the Michelob Ultra Arena during...
Fans Thank Pope As Beer Cooler Ice Remains Unmelted After ‘Ice Blessing’
VATICAN CITY – In a move hailed as the greatest papal intervention since the invention of the fish fry, Pope...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo...
New WNBA Fans Grow Frustrated Waiting For Next Dildo Toss
The WNBA is basking in a wave of new fans, but not all are thrilled with the league’s pacing. Oran...
