SEC Fan: Indiana beating Miami in the National Championship proves the SEC is the best conference
ATLANTA — In a stunning display of conference supremacy logic that has left analysts across the nation reaching for their...
Sports
Gen Z Olympics: Dutch Unknown Casually Scrolls Past Germany to Win Inaugural 200 m Doomscroll Gold
PARIS (GT) – In a result that has left German sports psychologists quietly scheduling emergency sessions, an unheralded 23-year-old from...
Highlights from the 2025 Housework Olympics
In a surprising blend of satire and spectacle, the 2025 Housework Olympics kicked off at the Michelob Ultra Arena during...
Fans Thank Pope As Beer Cooler Ice Remains Unmelted After ‘Ice Blessing’
VATICAN CITY – In a move hailed as the greatest papal intervention since the invention of the fish fry, Pope...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo...
New WNBA Fans Grow Frustrated Waiting For Next Dildo Toss
The WNBA is basking in a wave of new fans, but not all are thrilled with the league’s pacing. Oran...
MLB: First Female Ump Grounds The Cubs For Messy Dugout
CHICAGO—MLB’s first female umpire, Jen “Iron Mom” Pawol, brought Wrigley Field to a screeching halt during yesterday’s Chicago Cubs game...
WNBA Players Agree to Historic Pay Increase, To Be Paid in Oversized Bendy Dildos
NEW YORK—The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) has announced a groundbreaking pay increase for its players, to be distributed exclusively...
Trump Proposes Renaming NFL Commanders Back to “Redskins,” Citing Offense to Commanders-in-Chief
Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump announced Tuesday that he believes the Washington Commanders NFL team should revert to...
WNBA agrees to players’ demand to ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’; sets all their salaries to $0
PHOENIX — The WNBA has reset all player salaries to $0 following a unified protest during warm-ups at the WNBA...
