Subway hires Megan Rapinoe as Sandwich Artist after she was cut from US Women’s Team
US—Outspoken soccer star Megan Rapinoe was cut from the U.S. Women’s National Team roster for the upcoming SheBelieves Cup. But...
Sports
BREAKING: China unveils new deadlier Dancing Panda virus at Olympic opening ceremonies
BEIJING—As promised, the new killer Chinese virus was ready for the 2022 Olympics opening ceremony, exposing everyone in attendance. Reviews...
China reassures world that new virus will be ready in time for the Olympics
BEIJING—The Chinese Olympic committee said today that people shouldn’t worry, they will absolutely have a new virus ready by the...
BREAKING: DC NFL team confirms new name: Washington Communists
WASHINGTON, DC—The Washington National Football League team, which has been nameless since getting rid of their racist Redskins nomenclature has...
US Bobsled team renames their sled ‘Biden’ because nothing has taken America downhill faster
BEIJING—In preparation for the 2022 Winter Olympics, the US bobsled team has named their #1 sled "Biden" because nothing has...
UPENN combines men’s / women’s swim teams; winning now based on talent and looks
PHILADELPHIA—UPENN Board of Trustees will announce tomorrow that the best solution for the swim team’s trans conundrum is to keep...
Penn’s trans swimmer complains of ball-crushing swimsuit in loss to Yale’s trans swimmer
NEW HAVEN, CT—The University of Pennsylvania transwoman swimmer Lia Thomas complained of her swimsuit crushing her lady balls in her...
LeBron changes last name to ‘Slavery’ to get back at Enes Kanter Freedom
LOS ANGELES—The growing feud between NBA players Enes Kanter and LeBron James just got more intense as Kanter became an...
CBS cancels World Series due to constant ‘F*** Joe Biden’ chanting in crowd
US—CBS has cancelled the World Series after constant chanting from the crowd disrupted game four. Fans chanted "F*** Joe Biden"...
NFL relieved that no racist or sexual ‘trash talk’ has ever been used by players
Following revelations of inappropriate remarks in emails by former Raiders' coach Jon Gruden, the NFL has conducted an investigation into...
