BREAKING: Pennsylvania elects first brain-dead Senator
PENNSYLVANIA—In a major defeat for ableism, voters of the Keystone State have elected the first braindead person to Senate, doubling...
World
Winner of $2.04 Billion Powerball jackpot announced after technical glitch
US—A single ticket sold in California has won a world record $2.04 billion Powerball jackpot, the Powerball committee declared following...
Hochul: ‘It’s a conspiracy theory that New Yorkers don’t want to die in a Nuclear Armageddon’
New York Gov. Kathy Hochul (D), said, Tuesday, that what really scares people in the Empire State isn't the threat...
Elon Musk shatters world record after going 12 hours without killing himself after publicly insulting Hillary Clinton
TWITVILLE, CA—Austere billionaire businessman Elon Musk has shattered the world record after going a full 12 hours without killing himself...
CNN: SUV found guilty on all accounts in mostly peaceful Waukesha parade accident
WAUKESHA, WI—A Wisconsin SUV accused of driving through a crowd at the 2021 Waukesha Christmas parade was found guilty Wednesday....
Stacey Abrams: ‘If we abort 2 Million babies this year we could send another $40 Billion to Ukraine’
ATLANTA—Georgia gubernatorial candidate and perennial election denier Stacey Abrams is promoting a savvy economic plan. "Inflation is really hitting us...
BREAKING: Spokesperson for Hell disputes Biden’s claim that the U.S. economy is ‘strong as hell’
WASHINGTON, DC—A spokesperson for the Underworld has disputed US President* Joe Biden's claim that the US economy is "strong as...
BREAKING: In response to Biden’s quid pro quo deal with Saudi Arabia, Congress to impeach Donald Trump again
WASHINGTON, DC—In response to President* Joe Biden’s attempted quid pro quo deal with Saudi Arabia, Congress has moved to impeach...
BREAKING: Biden recounts harrowing story of how his son, Queen Elizabeth II, was killed in Iraq
CAMP HALE, Colorado—Speaking near Vail, President* Joe Biden recounted a harrowing story of how his son, Queen Elizabeth II 'lost...
California celebrates Indigenous Peoples’ Day by sacrificing 6 people to climate goddess Greta Thunberg
Everyone already knows that Columbus was a literal Hitler from the 15th century and that all woke people celebrate Indigenous...
