CDC releases official ‘contact tracer’ uniform and haircut

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has released the official uniform and haircut for the contact tracer agents to be trained and inserted into society in order to track and prevent COVID-19.

The uniform is all black with a red arm band containing a clever coronavirus icon. The official haircut will be short cropped “Karen” style.

Advertisements for the position are being posted throughout social media. Some of the perks are listed:

  • Learn how to violate privacy
  • Get back at your neighbors
  • Inside scoop on FEMA Camps
  • Get free haircuts when no on else can get them!
  • Show that you “Kare”
  • Learn to use bad science to scare people

The contact tracer agents will get access to the snitch apps being utilized by several municipalities and a new Facebook reaction called the “Care-n”.

“In contact tracing, creepy public health staff work with a suspect to help them recall everyone with whom they have had close contact during the time frame while they may have been infectious,” CDC spokesman Hans Gruber said.

“Contacts are provided with education, information, and the self-righteous indignation necessary to bark at strangers for not listening to contradictory health advice from morons.”