BOULDER, CO—Thousands across the country are mourning the loss by the mainstream media of another chance to stoke the white supremacist narrative following the mass shooting in Boulder, CO on Monday, which turns out was not perpetrated by a white male as originally hoped. Turns out the shooter wasn’t a white guy at all – he’s actually a Middle Eastern Muslim by the name of Ahmad Al Aliwi Alissa, who’s by no means white.

And predictably that new piece of information devastated the media, sending reporters wallowing in an endless stream of tears and disappointment, since their efforts to exploit another mass shooting had failed.

“We were so excited over initial reports that the shooter was a white guy,” CNN’s Brian Stelter said on his show. “We could’ve exploited the shooting like we always do to lecture Americans about the dangers of whiteness, white supremacy and also push for more gun-control.”

“Imagine my disappointment, then, when I find out the shooter was actually a Middle Eastern Muslim. That totally eviscerated our narrative. So we’re no longer covering the story any further.”

Deadspin’s Julie DiCaro was reportedly so distraught by the news, she said she hopes that “the next mass shooting is committed by a white guy.”

We at the Genesius Times express our condolences to the media during this difficult time. Our thoughts and prayers are with CNN right now.

About Author

Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

If you’d like to support my daily satirical outbursts, donations are always welcome by clicking here.

See author's posts