ATLANTA—Legacy media titan CNN has hired austere press relations master Baghdad Bob to replace all anchors including Erin Burnett, Chris Cuomo, and Don Lemon.
CNN CEO Jeff Zucker explained that his anchors weren’t able to effectively lie well enough to the American people.
“We needed a better liar and who better to pick than Baghdad Bob?” Zucker said.
Bob (Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf) gained notoriety through his impervious denials of US forces approaching Baghdad in the Iraq war, which made him the clear choice for CNN in this crucial time of denial.
“Everything is fine!” Bob said. “There is no inflation. The vaccine is 100% effective and safe. There was no election fraud. Biden is not a literal dumpster fire. Everything is fine.”
Bob, who was an integral propaganda minister in his home country Iraq has expressed excitement about being part of the new US Ministry of Truth.
“This has been a dream of mine since the Iraqi forces utterly destroyed the US forces in 2003. To bring my skills to America and help facilitate the communist takeover of America by a small minority of vocal sociopaths is really a dream come true,” Bob said.