BANGKOK–Monkeys in major Thai cities turned to rioting after PETA pressure on retailers forces thousands into joblessness and poverty. A witness, running from the melee told us, “They were throwing feces, bottles and cans, trying to cause as much destruction as they could. I saw monkeys from MLM (Monkey Lives Matter) and Mantifa (Monkeys Against Nosey Titfaces), organizing just down the street. I understand where they are coming from, really… suburban, middle-aged American housewives drunk in the afternoon on box wine decide what the rest of the world should be like and poof, monkeys across Asia die in poverty and despair. PETA should stick to whales and polar bears, animals that don’t work for a living. Many of these monkeys are moving to Vietnam even though the wages in a communist country are terrible but at least there is work. They get s***ty jobs like polishing the insides of artillery shells and painting the details on Barbie Dreamhouse toys in small, cramped factories when they could be outside doing what they like, climbing trees.”

A monkey spokesperson told us, “Arrh, mawmaw humph humph, waaaaa.” and hit us with a large stick on the legs, then stole our wallets. Thai police say crime is up over 800 percent and they are almost certain the monkeys are behind it.

A PETA spokesperson made this announcement. “If you are a corporation and a profit is being made off of these monkeys we are coming after you until your contribution to our organization offsets the pain that these helpless animals are enduring as they do pretty much what monkeys normally do.”

One monkey employer told us, “Look, it was the monkey’s idea in the first place. They were picking the coconuts and throwing them down but when we went to get a couple they started charging us thirty pupees each. They don’t have it that bad and they’re independent contractors. They’re callin’ the shots here, not us.”

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