U.S.—Russian hackers responsible for making Trump president in 2016 are at it again for the 2020 election, again relying on their most devious tactic, filling the Democratic primary with despicable people that only reprobates would feel comfortable voting for.

“The hackers know that no one wants Trump as president,” said Sergei Slymov, an analyst in Moscow, “so the best way to keep him as president is to make sure that no quality opponents go up against him.”

And that’s exactly what the Russian hackers are doing.

“I’m a loyal democrat,” said Geraldine Le Botomy of Portland, ME. “But all these candidates are either corporatist shills or identity politics gestapos. I think something’s fishy.”

That something fishy might be coming from the Volga, according to global political analysts.

“They’ve systematically built the Democratic primary with a cast of weasels, maroons, illiterates, and megalomaniac lunatics, such that it’s nearly impossible for enough Americans to get them enough votes to win the election,” Slymov said.

“Take ‘Kamala Harris’,” he said, using air quotes. “Their top candidate thinks that the Knights of Columbus is a terror group because they want to save the lives of innocent babies. Who comes up with this stuff? The Russian hackers, that’s who.”

“Or take ‘Elizabeth Warren’,” he said. “She condemns capitalistic businessmen for not paying their share, but charges $400,000 to give a lecture. It’s unreal how bad these candidates are.”

Slymov said that the hackers’ work is so skilled it’s practically an art. “Just look at ‘Bernie’,” he said. “There are people who got ‘Feel the Bern’ tattoos out there. Only the pure evil of Russian hackers could cause someone to do something so idiotic.”

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