WASHINGTON, DC—You’ve probably seen the video dozens of times already of Biden tripping on the stairs of Air Force One not once, not twice…but THREE times. We’re honestly starting to worry about the president’s health, but we’d rather not dabble in conspiracies, lest we get labeled as such by our tech overlords.

In any event, since the Biden administration doesn’t want this fiasco to repeat itself again, they’ve installed stair lifts throughout the entire White House. Wherever there are stairs there are stair lifts, and hopefully Biden will stop tripping over his own feet (though we wouldn’t put anything passed him to be honest).

“I didn’t even know until last week that you had to actually pick up your feet as you went up the steps,” Biden said. “I found that very interesting. All I can say is that I’m glad we have these new devices in place to prevent me from falling again. Also, I can start playing Mario Kart again as I’m being lifted on the stair lift, so this is really neat stuff.”

In addition to the stair lifts, Biden officials gave the president a long-reach toilet aid and installed bidets and toilet safety rails in all bathrooms as well, for added protection. They also hired the world-renowned Dr. Brunsen Honeydew as the new White House doctor.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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