PHOENIX, AZ—Barnabas White, a local 13-point Calvinist from Sola Scriptura Veritas Ordo Salutis Church in Phoenix Arizona is wowing both the Christian and secular worlds with his faithful commitment to giving God glory in everything. Sources have told The Petty Prophet that Mr. White signs off every social media post on his Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok, Twitter, and Thinkspot with the Latin phrase: “Soli Deo Gloria.”

Our highly trained translators have determined this ancient phrase, spoken by only the most valiant warriors for God, is roughly translated “glory to God alone.” It is unclear exactly where Mr. White learned to speak in this mysterious dead tongue, but it appears to be a privilege given only to a select few who have the deepest understanding of theology.

Studies show that uses of “Soli Deo Gloria” are directly correlated with spiritual health, beard length, and the number of arm tattoos with the word “Sola” on them.

Examples of Mr. White’s bold witness include the following:

And this Instagram post, which is translated as “WOW! Enjoying this light after darkness! Glory to God in the highest, forever and ever!”

The Christian world is struggling to keep up with Barnabas White’s cutting edge God-glorifying on social media. It’s clear that using Latin phrases is the clearest way to proclaim God’s glory, but Latin is unfortunately unknown to most marginal Christians. If you would like to “up” your Christian game on social media, here are a few phrases you can use. Soli Deo Gloria.

Cupio dissolvi – I wish to be dissolved

Veritas vos liberabit – The truth shall set you free

Carthago Delenda Est – Carthage must be destroyed (can also be used for Planned Parenthood)

Castigat Ridendo Mores – Laughing corrects morals

Corvus Oculum Corvi Non Eruit – A crow will not pull out the eye of another crow

Vince in bono malum – Overcome evil with good

Odium theologicum – Theological hatred

Ordo salutis – Order of salvation

Sola scriptura – By Scripture alone

Solus Christus – Christ alone

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