GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Strictly abiding by Michigan’s lock-down regulations, hipster Andrew Sadura is still wearing his favorite pair of blood-constricting skinny jeans.
Sadura voluntarily continues to endure this fashionable self-inflicted pain despite living in complete solitude and not being able to show the pants off on Zoom meetings.
Speaking with reporters via Zoom, Sadura explained “Without coffee shops and kale festivals, my life has been flipped upside down. I’m just trying to maintain some normalcy in my apartment, although sometimes I do take off my scarf.”
A dusty bicycle sat behind Sadura, his left arm covered in fresh marker-drawn tattoos. “I got rid of all my sweatpants before it was cool.” he added, peering through his lenseless glasses. “I would buy new pants, but all the thrift stores are closed””
“To be honest, I haven’t been able to get these jeans off for three months now.”