LA Health Dept. giving out free COVID masks with holes for easier crack smoking

LOS ANGELES — The LA Department of Health is giving away free face masks with holes cut out in a major public health measure to allow Los Angelinos to keep smoking crack and be safe during the COVID-19 crisis.

“Our number one concern is keeping people safe and healthy during this pandemic,” Los Angeles Director of Public Health Barbara “Skeletor” Ferrer said at a press conference. “That’s why we are giving away free face masks with holes in them so that people can continue smoking cigarettes and crack or whatever else they smoke all while obeying our face mask orders.”

The face masks, which Governor Gavin Newsom has ordered that people wear in public, are fitted with small holes in the mouth area to allow easy access for cigarettes, crack pipes, or even non-plastic straws to drink the CDC COVID Kool-Aid.

“We understand that the people who think face masks actually do anything are also likely to smoke crack on a regular basis, so, we’re meeting our constituents’ needs,” Newsom said.

“Many people have questioned the safety of a face mask with a hole in the mouth area, but what they really don’t know is that the face masks are really only for psychological purposes,” Ferrer said. “They don’t really help so the holes don’t really hurt.”

The Health Department is also releasing a designer line of tin foil face masks that they will sell. These designer face masks will also have a crack pipe hole in them.