Iowan Dems scramble to find a candidate who doesn’t actually suck

For over a year, Iowans have hosted campaign stops by over three thousand Democratic presidential hopefuls in effort to prove that anyone of the candidates could unseat the incumbent president Trump.

But, now that the Iowan caucus has convened, the voters have realized that none of their candidates is really that great.

“I thought for sure given the importance of the election, we’d have someone really awesome we could vote for,” said Iowan delegate Chris Cristaucus. “Instead we’ve got a senile pervert, a batty communist, a serial liar, and Alfred E. Newman.”

DNC Chairman Tom Perez said that they’ve been working for three years for this very moment. But now that this moment has come the party wants a do-over.

“Everyone knows that Trump is so terrible that any yo-yo can beat him,” Perez said. “We just need to find the right yo-yo.”

“Iowa is very important,” said local Democrat Selph Loathing. “It’s a state full of white, rural voters trying to choose from a bunch of rich white candidates who can’t stop talking about how terrible white people are. What happens here could affect how we hate ourselves for decades to come.”

At press time, several candidates had declared victory in Iowa despite the mess, including Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.