WASHINGTON, DC—Vice President Kamala Harris has made a bold declaration: “We must cancel the 2024 presidential election in order to save democracy!”

Speaking from a podium adorned with American flags and a banner that read “Democracy 2.0,” Harris passionately explained her rationale. “Elections, by their very nature, are divisive. They pit neighbor against neighbor, family member against family member. In these unprecedented times, the best way to unify our country is to simply not have an election at all.”

Harris pointed to the growing polarization in the nation as the primary reason for her proposal. “If we cancel the election, we can avoid the inevitable conflict and chaos that comes with it. It’s time to put the needs of the many above the desires of the few.”

When pressed for details on how leadership would be determined in the absence of an election, Harris was clear and confident. “We will establish a new system where leaders are chosen based on their commitment to progressive values and their ability to perform TikTok dances. This ensures that only the most culturally relevant and socially aware individuals are in charge.”

The announcement has been met with mixed reactions. Democratic Party leaders have largely embraced the idea, with Speaker Nancy Pelosi calling it “a visionary approach to governance.” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer added, “This is the kind of forward-thinking policy that will keep our democracy safe from the perils of choice.”

On the other side of the aisle, Republicans have been less enthusiastic. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a statement saying, “Canceling elections to save democracy is like eating more donuts to lose weight. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Former President Donald Trump took to his social media platform, TRUTH Social, to voice his opposition. “First they rig the elections, now they want to cancel them! Total disgrace! Sad!”

In a surprising twist, several foreign leaders have expressed interest in Harris’s proposal. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted, “Intriguing idea from our southern neighbors. Maybe we should consider it up north, eh?”

The vice president’s plan also includes the introduction of a new national holiday, “No-Vote November,” where citizens are encouraged to stay home, watch Netflix, and not think about politics at all. “It’s a day to celebrate unity and binge-watch ‘The Great British Baking Show,'” Harris explained.

As the nation grapples with this unprecedented proposal, one thing is clear: the future of American democracy just got a whole lot more interesting. Whether or not Harris’s plan will gain traction remains to be seen, but it has certainly sparked a conversation about the true nature of democracy and the lengths some are willing to go to preserve it.

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