COMPTON, CA—A Black Lives Matter protest took place today but this one was much different than any of the previous ones. Multiple sources have confirmed that this most recent civil unrest incident did not even revolve around a police shooting and there was no destruction of property.
What exactly did the protestors do?
Did they block traffic, harass police officers, burn buildings, or at least picket and chant? No, these Black Lives Matter activists spent the entire day distributing food to struggling black families, tutoring students, assisting new and expecting mothers, building an after-school center, and other forms of community service.
“It was time for a change,” said the head of the Black Lives Matter movement, Shaun King, “I was given some advice from our friends at Klingon Lives Matter, which said that if we did not start doing more for black communities aside from protesting after police shootings then we would be remembered as treacherous race-baiters and opportunists.”
We also asked Shaun King whether or not he has been cosplaying as a Black man this whole time and if so, what made him think that was acceptable. We are yet to receive a comment.
Upon hearing of the new form of protest by Black Lives Matter, members of Antifa released a statement saying that they are deeply offended, triggered, and can’t even. Antifa also requested a six-month retreat to their safe spaces in order to recover from this.
“We can’t have people actually helping black people. We need them to be in the worst possible condition until November,” Antifa Grand Wizard Billie Sneaks of grand Rapids, Iowa said.
Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden released a statement saying, “If you are a in a Black Lives Matter chapter that actually helps black people instead of just painting on streets and virtue signalling, you ain’t black.”
“I’m glad these protestors have had a change of heart,” said Michael Smith, “It was advertised on Facebook that BLM were going to have a peaceful protest outside of my business today and then proceed to burn it down. But at the last minute, they changed in their minds! The whole thing seemed ironic seeing as I am black and started my business from the ground up after getting an MBA.”
We followed up with King and asked what individuals could do in order to assist Black Lives Matter.
“Do not merely give us money,” said King, “but take time to volunteer in a black community and make the place better. And be sure to vote for Kanye this November.”