A wealthy local man has had to keep returning overpriced furniture bought on the home decor online store Wayfair after it consistently comes with young women hidden in the furniture.

“I’ve had to return this ‘Samiyah’ cabinet three times,” Derek Phineas of Lakeland said. “Each time it was delivered with another girl by the name of Samiyah. I just wanted some overpriced furniture dammit!”

Wayfair CEO Niraj Shah said that the company would gladly take care of the returns if Phineas paid for the shipping.

“But the shipping is over a thousand bucks!” Phineas complained. “These cabinets are freaking heavy, especially when you hide young women in them!”

Phineas says that he is willing to pay exorbitant amounts for furniture but that he has no interest in furniture that comes with small women in it.

“If Wayfair doesn’t send me an overpriced cabinet without a human being in it next time, I’m going to have to take my business elsewhere!”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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