Mayor Pete and Greta Thunberg found to be twins separated at birth

Once again our crack medical reporting team is on the move. Through our diligent research we have uncovered another shocking story about two people who are in the news 24/7. The story initially came to light as we received thousands of letters to the editor noting how similar Mayor Pete and Greta Thunberg looked, sounded, and behaved. Their incessant screeching about Fireball Earth. Their condescending attitude, lockstep political ideology. They seem cut from the exact same cloth—especially when Greta is scowling at UN officials and Pete is eating. Eerily so.

The plot thickens as our team recently headed out to collect DNA specimens from both. In Sweden, it was pretty easy to collect Greta’s spittle spray during one of her boring repetitive preachy speeches. We just had to be in the first row and wipe it off our faces. Easy Peazy.

Pete was a bit more difficult. As luck would have it we were able to follow his husband around, follow him into a bathroom, pull the fire alarm as he was using a stall, collect a stool sample as he ran out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles (an activity he seemed particularly skilled at by the way). Let’s just say the sample was ‘revealing’.

The DNA results were, to say the least, stunning. Pete is actually 17 years old, exactly the same age as Greta. They both have Ass-Burgers Syndrome which makes them eat at In and Out Burger more often than most. The most shocking of all? They were conjoined identical twins separated surgically at birth. Greta, resembling more of a Swedish meatball was sent to Sweden to be raised by a pack of Climate-activist Swedish wolves.

Pete was sent off to America to be raised on a commune run by gay identical Tibetan monk twins. It all seems so obvious in retrospect. As more genetic material is collected, we will update this breaking story as needed. Please stay tuned.