This morning, I was devastated to find out that my spoon ate another 2 gallons of ice cream last night. I am shaking at the horror. Who knows how many gallons my spoon may kill tonight.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time for common sense spoon control now!
A recent study by Pew Pew Center said that spoons kill more than 1 million gallons of ice cream every year in this country and that leads to people being overweight and dying prematurely from heart disease and diabetes.
But it’s clearly not my fault. It was my spoon that shoveled bite after bite into my fat face. It was the spoon’s fault, obviously. I wouldn’t have been able to get the delicious Unicorn Bliss Sundae Serendipity Ice Cream without the spoon. My three PhDs were in social sciences but this is simple physics people!
Therefore, I am petitioning Congress to ban assault spoons immediately. We can talk about banning tea spoons and measuring spoons later.
“But I won’t be able to eat my soup!” so-called spoon-rights activists might say.
That’s clearly a racist dog whistle and those people need to be arrested and thrown into a reeducation camp.
BAN ASSAULT SPOONS NOW!