WASHINGTON—In a shocking new CDC study, researchers have found a correlation between being named Karen and deriving an inordinate amount of pleasure from telling people what to do amid the COVID-19 crisis.

“We’ve found that people named Karen are ten times more likely to tell other people to stay home than people with other names,” said John Jinglehimer, lead researcher with the CDC. “They are also nearly fifty times more likely to complain that people don’t understand the concept of ‘flattening the curve’ when they themselves don’t actually know what it means.”

Jinglehimer says their main mode of lashing out is via social media since that’s what most people are relegated to these days. But the study also noted that about 93% of the world’s Karens have also shouted out their windows at random people walking outside.

“We believe there is a genetic link between the name Karen and the compulsion to command other people’s lives,” Jinglehimer said. “This condition is also linked to a short-in-the-back haircut and a tendency to ask for managers at restaurants.”

“I’m going to need to speak to the manager of the CDC. These people are risking the lives of everyone around us!” Karen Burnhart of Shenandoah County said, waving to careless people standing in their front yard. “Someone needs to tell them how upset they made me feel.”

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