WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Postal Service announced that starting today, it’ll be offering two delivery options: mail and femail.

“The Post Office has always been an institution of the patriarchy,” Postmaster General Louis DeJoy said. “For over 200 years since the Constitution’s ratification, we’ve only been delivering mail but not femail. The femail community has been underrepresented in every institution in America, even after it won the right to vote with the passage of the 19^th Amendment. Our policy change today is a step in the right direction to address the gender inequality that’s endemic to our society.”

Many celebrated the move. “This a great day for women’s rights,” feminist Hilarata Clintonata said. “For far too long The Post Office has been an engine of the gender delivery gap, since for every 77 pieces of femail delivered, another 100 mail ones were delivered thereafter. By giving everyone the option to choose femail, it goes a long way toward closing the gap.”

Others weren’t so happy. Teddy McTeddyface, a local transgender from LA, expressed his disappointment with the move. “With the new change the Post Office is only exacerbating gender stereotypes by assuming that gender is binary. Gender is fluid and a social construct. If the Post Office really wanted to be inclusive, it would have to offer a lot more than just two options, such as zemail and zermail.”

Shortly after the announcement, Planned Parenthood announced it’d be offering free abortions for any “unwanted” mail or femail.

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Rafi Metz

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