Walmart now offering free COVID anal swabs before shopping

BENTONVILLE, AR—In the interest of making the shopping experience for everyone as safe as can be, Walmart Supercenters will now offer shoppers a free COVID test via the effective anal swab technique implemented throughout communist China.

“This is a much more accurate test and really the only way to know whether a shopper has the deadly disease that kills almost 0.03% of the people it infects,” Walmart CEO Brent Facepolm said.

An anal swab test means inserting a cotton-tipped swab about 3-5cm (1-2 inches) into the rectum, which is then sent to a lab to be tested for the virus. They are analyzed in the same way as the Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) coronavirus tests taken from the nose or throat, so it’s totally okay.

COVID Czar Anthony Fauci applauded the move, saying the anal swabs were a great way to ensuring people feel utterly safe and demoralized at the same time.

“We feel that we’re not quite in a good place with regard to people obeying our ridiculous dictates,” Fauci said. “Encouraging Walmart employees to stick a swab up your rectum every time you shop will go a long way in compliance.”

Fauci said that even if the anal swab test comes back negative, you will still need to double-mask or wear a plastic bag around your head for complete protection.