So the year has officially ended and now we’re in 2023. Wondering what’s in store for this year? If you are, then get in and buckle up because here are 25 predictions for the new year:

1. January 6: Democrats declare Jan. 6 a day of mourning and fasting.
2. January 15: Biden utters his first fully coherent sentence of his presidency. Major celebration at the White House.
3. February 9: Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre answers her first question at a press conference in six months.
4. February 21: Whoopi Goldberg says something smart, causing a major disruption in the space-time continuum.
5. March 7: Kamala Harris talks about how she used to celebrate Purim as a kid.
6. March 24: Stanford University bans the entire English language so no one gets offended by anything ever again.
7. April 6: Kamala Harris talks about how she used to celebrate Pesach as a kid.
8. April 19: AOC gets terrorized by an economics dictionary, calls for an FBI investigation.
9. April 28: Elon Musk buys Tik Tok, then deletes it.
10. June 6: Biden celebrates D-Day and talks about his decision to invade Normandy.
11. July 4: Biden brags about how he saves American taxpayers $0.5 on their holiday BBQs thanks to his economic policies.
12. July 21: Inflation hits 10 billion trillion percent.
13. July 22: Federal assistance to Ukraine hits a staggering $100,000,000,000,000,000 (that’s one hundred quadrillion dollars).
14. August 18: Florida secedes from the United States.
15. August 29: California renames itself Mexifornia.
16. September 3: CNN accidentally performs an act of journalism.
17. September 14: The New York Times publishes its 947^th article on Chasidic schools.
18. September 16: Kamala Harris recalls how she used to be the chazzan on the Yomim Noraim in her local shul.
19. September 30: Bernie Sanders is still alive.
20. October 1: Bernie Sanders announces he’s running for president for the 75^th time since the Civil War.
21. November 5: Biden disappointed he isn’t re-elected president.
22. November 23: U.S. Military requires all nations to refer to our nation’s preferred pronouns before attacking us.
23. December 10: Congress passes a law requiring all bills to be at least 100,000 pages long.
24. December 30: Congress passes a 25-million-page spending package to keep the federal government from shutting down.
25. December 31: Biden accidentally signs Hunter’s name on the bill.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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