Elon Musk buys Twitter for $30B and immediately deletes it
AUSTIN—Business magnate Elon Musk has purchased the legacy social media platform Twitter for $30 billion and promptly deleted in his...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
WARNING: COVID vaccine only works if you post a selfie of you getting it
HOBOKEN, NJ—A spokesman for Pfizer Pharmaceuticals issued a warning for their new COVID-19 vaccine, which is currently being deployed around...
Mayor reminds citizens to wear BLM gear when burning city so the FBI won’t investigate
PORTLAND, OR—City officials urged that rioters proudly display their Black Lives Matter gear while burning the city down in protest...
Biden announces universal castration in order to stop sexual assault and regulate ‘ghost penises’
WASHINGTON, DC—President *Joe Biden announced major steps to address sexual assault today, using the executive authority to write laws. Biden announced six...
LIMITED TIME ONLY: Get 100% discount at Minneapolis Nike stores if you use promo #racialjustice
MINNEAPOLIS—For a limited time only, residents can get 100% discount at Minneapolis Nike store when they use the promo code...
BREAKING: Biden makes it illegal to arrest any Person of Color for any crime ever
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the trial of Derek Chauvin who was charged with making George Floyd "eat too many drugs" before getting...
Biden: ‘No constitutional amendment is absolute so…slavery is back on the table’
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden opened the door to a renewed American slave trade after stating that "no constitutional amendment is absolute."...
BREAKING: Prince Phillip has information that will lead to Hillary Clinton’s arrest
LONDON—Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, has information that will lead to the arrest and conviction of Hillary Clinton, sources close...
BREAKING: Biden outlaws guns for everyone except criminals and people guarding him
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden today signed several executive orders outlawing guns for everyone except for criminals and people guarding him. "Criminals...
Colleges dump SAT for much more accurate parmesan cheese-smoking intelligence test
US—Colleges across the country are ditching the Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) for their standard entrance exam, replacing it with President...
