BREAKING: Biden to build wall along entire coastline to fight rising sea levels

Washington, DC—Joe Biden signaled that the environment will be at the heart of the next administration as he unveiled a plan to build a coastal wall.

“As a younger, balder man, I helped America win the Cold War. And today, I am firing the first shot in the wet War On Mother Nature. This administration will build a giant sandcastle along our coasts to prevent water from illegal entering our great nation.” 

Biden, a leading member of the incoming Harris administration, has consistently been anti-rising sea levels, but this policy marks a change of direction. In the past, efforts focused on reducing carbon emissions. This included sometimes, though not always, opposing fracking. Now the administration is taking a more aggressive approach. 

“We had all these experts, real whizz kids, trying to come up with a way to defend ourselves from the rising sea levels,” said Biden in a press conference. “And then one day I was at the beach with my grandchildren, and they were building sandcastles. Well, son of a gun, I thought, why not do that? It’s a damn sight easier to build those than to lift the whole country above the water!” 

While the announcement marks a radical shift in government policy, some members of Biden’s party do not believe it goes far enough. Federal government superfan Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) said on Twitter: “Don’t get me wrong, stopping new water from entering the country is important. But it ignores the water that is already in the country.”  

Even as some attacked it as not doing enough, many Republicans are opposed to the entire idea. “Using a wall to stop that water at the border is un-American,” said hydraulics expert Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “The GOP will always support water that wants to be in this country, whether it’s fresh or salty, no matter if it has been here for generations or just a week.”