BREAKING: California decriminalizes rapes lasting under 1 minute

GENESIUS TIMES

SACRAMENTO, CA—Citing justice based on California’s decriminalization of theft under $1000, Governor Gavin Newsom has unilaterally decriminalized rapes lasting less than one minute.

Viral video of people brazenly hauling out merchandize from a TJ Max store in Los Angeles in broad daylight is part of an ongoing shoplifting spree in California that some say is the consequence of a referendum put in place in 2014 to make stealing items priced at $950 or less a misdemeanor.

“We see the success that the shoplifting laws have created and we’re going to extend them to violent crimes too for the sake of justice,” Newsom, who is facing a recall election next month, said at a press conference.

US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has suggested that the way to get rid of crime is to make everything legal and California is following her philosophical lead.

“Most rapes last less than 60 seconds, so when we legalize those rapes, we will have virtually gotten rid of half of the sexual abuse in the state with a flick of a wrist,” Newsom said.

Newsom also said that the recently vilified New York Governor Andrew Cuomo would be welcome to harass women in California as long as the harassment lasted less than one minute.