BREAKING: Elizabeth Warren arrested for attempting to scalp Bernie Sanders

In a shocking video released just a few nights ago, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders accused each other of lying about the other. Neither knew about the open mic when they kept on repeating, “I’m rubber, your glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you”.

Tom Steyer had to break up the pair who were close to beating the crap out of each other on national TV. Steyer was also overheard saying to Sanders, “I just wanted to introduce… when Sanders cut him off saying, “Who are you again? Are you running for President too? Another white one, really?  Do you know where the nearest bathroom is, my prostrate is blowing up!”

Mayor Pete offered to help Sanders find a bathroom but was summarily dismissed, “Get lost Rainbow boy, I can find my own genitals. Well, sometimes anyway.”

Warren, who is almost full-blooded Cherokee, was further incensed as Sanders had tried repeatedly to reach for her tomahawk which she slyly hid under her official middle school librarian sweater. Listen she said, I can scalp this guy any time I want and since he has no hair I can make a really nice skull cap to wear at Bar Mitzvahs and Jewish weddings. And since I am one of the first Cherokee Jews, my official Bat Mitzvah name being Liedmyway Fakinit Throughitall Runningwater, my intersectionality makes scalping legal on all my Cherokee Reservations and Cherokee Yeshivas nationwide.

Biden was said to be quite impressed with Warren’s tomahawk, asked her if he could borrow it, “cause every time I grope and smell young girls freshly shampooed flowing golden locks I’d like something when they start kicking me in my nads.”