BREAKING: France officially surrenders to COVID-19

PARIS, FRANCE—French Prime Minister Jean Castex announced today that almost a year after fighting one of the world’s deadliest viruses, France has surrendered unconditionally to COVID-19.

“This is a sad day for the French people,” Castex said. “When COVID-19 first hit our shores, we tried to deal with the virus diplomatically, and I met with the virus in person and we came to a mutual peace agreement. Following our meeting I spoke to the French people and assured them that we had achieved ‘peace for our time’.”

“But that was only temporary and short-lived, since as you know, we have a tradition dating back centuries that whenever there’s a major fight to be had against someone or something that poses a danger to mankind, we pretend to put up a fight but then surrender shortly thereafter. From WWII to COVID-19, I didn’t want to break that sacred tradition.”

Following its surrender, COVID-19 took over the entire country, declared martial law, and imprisoned anyone who opposed the Chinese Communist Party.